Potty Mouth

Toiletabout The other day one of my boys (let’s call him Boy Who Will Not Be Named) came into the kitchen with a proud look on his face. 

"Guess what I just did?" he beamed, giggling. 

"What?" I asked.  (Note to self:  if they’re giggling, don’t ask).

"I stuck my tongue in the toilet water!"

I had one of those parenting moments where no complete word or sentence can escape your lips.  "Wh…you did…toil…wha…YOU DID WHAT?"

Obviously not picking up on my horror, he continues to giggle.  "I licked the toilet water!"

Can we just pause for a moment so I can tell you that most of the time, in the moment of crisis, I can keep a fair bit of cool.  But this one, for some reason, was too much.  I walked to the edge of the Deep End and jumped right off.  With great profundidty, I shrieked, "THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE!"  (Note: "Stupid" is a bad word in our house.)

Boy Who Will Not Be Named looked at me in surprise.  "Mom!  You said a bad word!"  Clearly, the child’s Don’t-Tick-Mom-Off-Anymore-Than-I-Already-Have filter was turned off. 

More verbal stumbling from mom. "Yes, well, it just…sometimes…I…well, it’s the only word that fits!"  I marched him up to his room for a toothbrushing session that removed most of his taste buds and threw the toothbrush in the dishwasher. 

And then, why-oh-why, I asked him, "Son, why did you do this?"

"Because my brother told me to."

"If your brother told you to jump off a building, would you do it?"  I’m telling you, the profound parenting statements were just flying out of my mouth.

The Boy was picking up on my horror, though I could tell he couldn’t quite register why this was such an offense.  Still sputtering, I launched into a tirade about how there are things in poop, and therefore in toilet water, that can make you extremely sick, SO sick you have to go to the hospital, SO sick…[pause for dramatic effect as I get ready to unload the Dryer Family Wost Thing That Can Happen To You]…SO SICK YOU HAVE TO GET A SHOT. 

And, he was undone.  Completely undone.  There was wailing and gnashing of teeth as he apologized profusely and suggested that we pray together that he doesn’t get sick.  And I’m standing in that parenting rock-and-hard-place I often visit, stuck between wanting to teach him a lesson while not overreacting to the point of traumatizing him for life.

All’s well that ends well.  After I calmed down, we had a more rational discussion about why it’s not a good idea to drink toilet water (since, you know, it’s NOT OBVIOUS), what will and won’t send you to the hospital, and when it is and isn’t a good idea to do what your brother tells you.  (Said Brother received an equal talking-to). 

I love that boy.  Oh, I love him.  But I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to KISS him again.

49 thoughts on “Potty Mouth

  1. KellyC says:

    Hilarious! You really must print this post and place it in the safe deposit box. It may come in handy as blackmail 10 years down the road;)

  2. theresa says:

    that is too funny! I don’t know if I would kiss my son ever again if he did that either! Yeah, I would definately save that story for down the road….

  3. Jennifer says:

    Oh, very funny. And yes, in a moment of crisis such as that, we do question their intelligence and resort to parenting cliches. I don’t remember what my daughter did recently that made me ask her in a rage, “Did any part of you really think that was not a dumb idea??” It didn’t involve e coli, but I remember that it was a clearly stupid thing to do!

  4. Jules @ Everyday Mommy says:

    ROFLMAO!!!! I know! I indicated a bad word right there, but this is too hysterical!
    Sorry, Sis. You know what they say…boys will be boys! But, you’re right about the kiss. Maybe just hugs for a day or two. And, Listerine.

  5. Rebecca says:

    Ha ha! That reminds me of my all-time favorite anecdote – a friend was dozing on her couch, and her young daughter asked her if she wanted a glass of water. Sure, mama replied. So, the little girl got her a plastic tea cup of water which mama obligingly sipped until she realized that… wait for it… her little girl couldn’t reach ANY of the taps….
    EW!

  6. emily says:

    ew ew EW!!! so gross. was this an intentional revealing of last name? or is this a false last name? dryer? like the ice cream? *drooling*

  7. Sarah says:

    I can’t decide which is funnier–him licking the toilet water, or you trying to backtrack after saying a “bad” word! I’m pretty sure this will someday (soon) happen in our house, and I’ll file away your answer for then. I always go for the overdramatic, death-will-befall-you if . . .speech. It seems to work. 🙂

  8. Shannon, in Arizona says:

    That is tooooo funny! And I just emailed you yesterday about Bubbee driving a car on Sissy’s face…..and I thought I had it bad! And will this sibling with sibling stuff always keep going….hope my Bubbee never asks my Sissy to lick the toilet water…..grosssssssss….LOL

  9. boomama says:

    EWWWW. But so funny. 🙂 Our little man stuck his hands in the potty water yesterday – I about took an SOS pad to them. And when you said, “I’m telling you, the profound parenting statements were just flying out of my mouth,” I thought about this afternoon, when I said, “Alex! You need to go upstairs. Or downstairs.”
    I’d like some ice cream on my humble pie. 🙂

  10. Tammy says:

    I’m just visiting here and really loved this post…hilarious! I’ll be back! 🙂
    I’m new to blogging but please stop by anytime…
    God’s blessings…
    ~Tammy

  11. Undercover Angel says:

    LOL! That is so funny! So gross, but so funny… I’m always amazed by the outrageous things kids will do…
    Just try not to think about it the next time you kiss him…

  12. Christy in TN says:

    Oh, I can’t stop giggling. I know, I’m sorry. It’s not funny. Hee-hee, but I can’t stop. I shouldn’t laugh. Okay, deep breath, I’m going to stop now. It’s partially a nervous laughter … because I know that I will pay for my mirth very soon when one of my toddlers, proudly and innocently shows me a new feat they have learned that will bring me to the same stuttering horror you experienced. Thanks for sharing the wild and crazy life of a mom! 🙂

  13. Kathryn says:

    My 10 month old got into the toilet yesterday–I have pictures to prove it on my blog. He was so thrilled to play there, and so very, very disappointed when Mommy intervened with the antibacterial hand soap.

  14. Brenda says:

    That’s hilarious. Oh so gross, but too too funny. Poor kid. I love that he wanted you to pray with him, bless his heart.

  15. Gina C says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh or throw up! 🙂 But my kids have had their fair share of gross-mom freak out-moments. You’ll eventually end up kissing the little guy, but just keep him away from my little girl tomorrow. She loves to give kisses!

  16. Emily says:

    That is hilarious.
    As a woman without kids, I’d be standing next to you biting a mark into my lip trying not to burst out laughing.
    Thank you for taking the time to share such precious moments. I really don’t think it’s a coincidence God works these times into our lives to help us all smile.

  17. Susanne says:

    Oh dear! HeeeHeee! I mean, Oh my! Just when you think you’ve covered the ground on what not to do, they think up something you’d never have thought of in a million years. But how sweet that he wanted you to pray for him when he understood he could get sick.

  18. Kathryn, dym says:

    Dude. I thought I was the only mom to use the, “If you do that you’ll get so sick you’ll have to go to the doctor and maybe get a shot” trick. Great minds.

  19. Cheri says:

    I’m not laughing. I may appear that I am. You may even possibly think you can hear rumbles of laughter from deep South Texas. But it’s not laugher…it’s SO not.
    HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
    (BUT I can laugh, becuase I have 3 boys myself, remember. 😀

  20. Kate says:

    I just almost choked on my coffee laughing. I love that one. Now I know I’m not the only one with kids that do things that make my brain hurt.
    God Bless…..they are precious aren’t they. (and no, I would never kiss him again either..LOL)

  21. GranolaGirl says:

    Ohmygosh that is too funny… I just sat here and read it to my husband so we could both have a good laugh. You’re a great storyteller– thanks for turning a gross moment into a great post!

  22. mom2fur says:

    Okay, since you probably clean your toilet on a regular basis…I don’t think you have to be watching for signs of some dread disease. Every time you flush, there is a fresh source of water–and it doesn’t come back from the sewer. So relax.
    But still…yucky and gross. I probably would have gone more ballistic than you. And maybe I would have offered my kid a dog bowl, LOL! (I’m glad my kids are too old and my dog is too small to pull of that trick!)
    Oh, btw, what I find screamingly funny about all this is that he was so very proud of himself!

  23. Mary says:

    I love it “Beacuse my brother told me to…” Boys will be boys. And thing, my brother has 4 of them. I was informed this weekend that they have built a catopolt. A 13 ft. catoplot. Yeah…Boys.

  24. Robin says:

    Make sure you print this post and frame it so you can give it to his future wife some day. If she still wants to marry him, she’s a keeper!

  25. Mama Darlin says:

    WOW! He won’t do that again! LOL. I feel like I should go brush my own teeth just to get that feeling, most parents get in the back of their throat when you child does something disgusting. I always want to know, what exactly is going through their minds!

  26. Antique Mommy says:

    I admire and aspire to your restraint. I would have said/screamed it was the stupidest damn thing he had ever done. Sean likes to wave goodbye to the peepee when he flushes and we continually explain that it is icky to put ones hand in the toilet. Feet maybe, but definitely not hands.

  27. Theresa says:

    Nasty! And, coming from a mama whose 18 mos.old was hospitalized for four days to find out she had Salomnella is not laughing. I would of reacted worse I think!

  28. Pastormac says:

    You tell a great story. This was too funny.
    Anyway, my wife (PastormacsAnn) has visited here several times and very much enjoys your blog.
    I haven ever been here, but I just wanted to say that I followed you here from EM and I really appreciated your post there. Very well said! Thanks.

  29. Addie says:

    I’m sure you may not even see this comment in the sea of responses you’ve garnered here, but this is why I love to come here! You can tell this story, be honest about your initial response, but then exhibit some fabulous parenting all in one. (Not to mention, make me laugh and hope that NEVER happens to me!)

  30. Leann says:

    Oh, I have sooooooooo…. been there!!!!! What a great post. I just recently found your blog and really enjoy it. Thanks for being real with us! 🙂

  31. Nikkie says:

    That was just too funny! I’m hoping that I never have to deal with that anytime soon, but my little guy has just discovered the bathroom (he’s 10 months old) and he’s very curious about it!
    I don’t know what I would have said, I think I’d have been too dumbfounded to come up with a resonalbe response!

  32. Mom Nancy says:

    I probably shouldn’t laugh because, you know, it could have been more serious, but it is pretty funny. I love the whole “shot” threat. I wish I’d thought of that when my daughter was little. She was terrified of them. My son, now, no fear of anything except the dark and paintings looking at him (whole blog entry someday!)

  33. Scott "The I Double Dog dare you" Wharton says:

    Shannon…I can tell you from personal experience that if one brother dares another to jump off a building, Craig…I mean the brother that will not be named will jump off the building.

  34. tnmama says:

    That is just hilarious!
    My oldest (now 9) just found out about a year ago that “chicken fingers” aren’t really the chicken’s fingers! Ha! I swear he is normally an extremely bright boy!
    The things we assume….

  35. Tracey in MI says:

    Boys…. will… be…. boys…..
    regardless of what their mothers do.
    spoken as a kindred spirit- and also a mom of three wonderful, ridiculous boys!;)

  36. GiBee says:

    My husband does NOT blog. He rarely finds my blogging stories funny. But when I read him THIS, he found it to be hillarious!!

  37. Janice says:

    I am laughing so hard, but I am trying to do it as silently as possible, casue otherwise my son will ask me what is so funny and then I will have to lie and make something up cause if I tell him your son licked the toilet water, he will be up those strairs so fast to try it himself!

  38. laura says:

    Oh my Lord… first time to visit here, and I’m holding my sides laughing. I feel your pain…
    Yesterday, my son licked his big toe – after running around an indoor playscape barefoot.
    Why, oh why, do they do these things?

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