Hypothetically

I know there are several first-time parents of babies reading this blog, so let me tell you an immutable truth of parenting that you will almost certainly be needing within the next decade:

If (and I’m speaking purely hypthetically here, of course) one of your children (hypothetically) plops down next to you and (hypothetically) says something such as, "Hi, Mom.  I just haven’t gotten to sit and talk to you in a long time, and I’m just wondering, how are you doing?  Did you have a good day?" then you may be sure that at least one of the following is true:

A)  There is broken glass somewhere.
B)  There is paint somewhere.
C)  There is a report card somewhere.
D)  There is a new Wii game coming out.
E)  Someone’s fist has "accidentally" drawn blood out of someone’s nose.
F)  Someone has hacked into the CIA homepage.
G)  Someone has "accidentally" set your house on fire.

Do you have any you’d like to add?

104 thoughts on “Hypothetically

  1. Andrea says:

    In my house it’s usually there’s a room that needs cleaning or dishes to be put away. Or blood has been “accidentally” drawn. And yes, that does happen with girls!

  2. Tom says:

    There is an entire half-gallon of milk covering the kitchen floor.
    There is gum in the microwave.
    There are twelve thousand microscopic beads scattered about and embedded in the carpet of someone’s bedroom.

  3. Joanne says:

    What about the kid who suddenly cleans the kitchen without being asked. It is usually followed by a teen who wants her hair colored, or new shoes, or clothes, or….

  4. Katy says:

    Someone wants you to drop everything and take her to Target to get yet another pack of Bella Sara cards, or Webkinz cards, or Neopetz, or whatever the girls are into that particular day. And someone wants to spend YOUR money, not theirs.

  5. Jennifer says:

    Someone needs to talk about something serious (like the birds and the bees), but doesn’t know how to go about starting the conversation.

  6. kellie says:

    “Something” is growing… underneath the bed…or in the backpack.
    Oh, and that shirt, or shorts, or last 8 pairs of socks are trapped in the place where the foot board meets the bed mattress.

  7. stephanie says:

    There is an entire dozen eggs splattered across the wood floor in the hallway, and on top of that there is baby powder on top of the eggs!!!

  8. stephanie says:

    There is an entire dozen eggs splattered across the wood floor in the hallway, and on top of that there is baby powder on top of the eggs!!!

  9. Tanna says:

    Your lipstick is smashed into the beige carpet or blue marker just happened to end up on the yellow couch.
    Or, here is the big one at my house. The 7 year old will sometimes “forget” to wipe and then leave his “mark” somewhere. This has happened after a shower before. He then went into his bedroom and sat on his carpet to put his underwear on. LOL. He will then run up to me and give me the biggest hug and say Um, mom….. by that time I can already smell something is “stinky” with the situation.

  10. beachmom says:

    “someone” was pretend driving in the driveway and took off the parking break and the car rolled backward across the alley into the bushes …

  11. Rachel May says:

    ALL of the keys have been popped off your laptop keyboard… forcing you to google a close-up picture of a keyboard (using someone else’s machine, of course) because you don’t have a freakin’ clue how to put the thing back together. (Hypothetically.)

  12. Carol ~ I Throw Like A Girl says:

    Here’s one that you’re a few years away from yet: Your 16 year old daughter wants her boyfriend who lives across the country to come visit this summer. Fun times.

  13. ThoughtfulMom says:

    Somewhere in the house is a science experiment gone awry – and the carpet is soaking wet – or there is liquid Dawn all over the kitchen floor – or the toilet is overflowing.

  14. August says:

    That the police are on the doorstep, cause someone got mad at their sister and called 911 while mom was in the shower.

  15. Bella says:

    …the car…something happened to the car while your newly licensed BOY was driving to get milk from the grocery store that is 4 miles round trip…

  16. Karelle says:

    The curtain rod has been bent and/or pulled completely from the wall.
    My favorite tea mug is in pieces on the back patio.
    Someone has “accidentally” peed in their closet.
    Someone has “accidentally” redecorated the couch and wall with a sharpie.

  17. Pam says:

    This ranks up there with the blank look when you walk into a room and the child says “What”? in a drawn out innocent eyed way HAHA..(My only consolation is that those 2 boys are now the fathers of 5 girls between them, so it’s “get even” time)

  18. Amanda says:

    Outside of the possibility of a diving hand of revelation and compassion upon a minor from God Himself… I think you’re only missing a dulsional state caused by an abnormally high fever! In such case, I would say immidiate medical care is call for!
    Love to you, Shannon. ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. Cath says:

    Someone is having a party at school tomorrow and they promised you would send in ___________ (food type and amount will be larger and more extravagant based on how close to closing time it is for the nearest grocery store, meaning you will have to make a mad dash across town to the 24-hour store — and be up until at least 2 making said food).

  20. elizabeth says:

    Oh. No. My 10-almost-11 year old male askes me every day after school, “So, Mom, how was your day?”
    Sniff.

  21. autumn dahlia says:

    TJ gives himself away everytime by just saying, “Hi Mom!” and smiling big. Then I know he’s colored the puppy or made a new experiement in the tub with his soap and my red hair dye.

  22. Amy says:

    Your silk dress that is the very last piece of fancy you own was used to wipe up a mess of red Kool-Aid. Ooops.
    Why was is left hanging in the bathroom anyway? You weren’t about to wear it out on a once in a lifetime date night, were ya?
    Oh, and also? We’re out of Kool-Aid.

  23. Becky Jo says:

    Someone (my brother) was driving home, turned a corner, reached to catch the piece of pizza sliding to the floor, took out a telephone pole and rather than waiting for help, took off on foot, ran home and now wants to chat… by the way – this is also why you currently have no power in the house.

  24. Molly B says:

    The two small men living in your house have discovered where you hid the Easter candy/NintendoDS/best scissors/cat/camera, and the one sitting on the couch with you is both distracting you and getting a read on your mood to know if the other one is now in trouble big time, or small time.
    He will then either tell on his brother, or share in the fun.

  25. Sarah N says:

    -someone wants you to buy them something expensive.
    – someone already asked their dad for something and he said no.
    – someone is trying to be Eddie Haskell when they grow up.

  26. Denise says:

    H) There’s a bleach spot in the middle of someone’s bedroom floor because it was assumed that bleach would get out the fingernail polish better than fingernail polish remover (which probably wouldn’t have ruined the carpet, by the way). sigh

  27. fern says:

    Someone has a big chunk of hair missing.
    There is a hole in a wall somewhere.
    One of the small, caged animals has escaped (or been set free) and the cat is trying to catch it.
    There is a funny smell…

  28. Megan (FriedOkra) says:

    There’s about a pound of green apple scented drugstore brand after-bath powder swept under the red rug in the play room. Well, under the rug and floating in the air above it. Hack hack.

  29. Aimee says:

    Someone wrote on the carpet/walls with a SHARPIE …
    Someone let their 2 year old sister do the potty “By herself” while you were feeding the baby . . .
    Someone went and locked all of the upstairs doors and hid the keys. Now you have to disassemble each lockset to get into the bedrooms . . .

  30. Lisa C. says:

    Said child’s sibling has just done something heinous (see your list), so said child is doing some serious sucking up to look absolutely radiant in comparison.

  31. Lynne says:

    Or perhaps nail polish remover has been spilled all over everything. Or my bed, in this case.
    Or your cell phone just got flushed. Accidentally.
    I get suspicious too!

  32. Amy says:

    Someone doesn’t want to go to bed.
    Someone ate the whole bag of candy after being told she couldn’t have any.

  33. Tricia says:

    Someone, who has been the proud owner of his drivers licence for approximately 8 days, has just backed the family van into the neighbors BRAND NEW, dealer tags still attached, Mazda 5. And left a rather large dent in one.
    Wanna guess which one? Hypothetically speaking of course.

  34. pam says:

    With my college girls, oh yes it continues, its lets get mom to go shopping with us, we saw something cute. And can I say thank you—now I have a gag to pull on my friend after getting an idea posted here. Pulling all the keys off the laptop. That is too funny.

  35. RhoDelta says:

    **You have to bake 18 cupcakes for a party tomorrow in school and have no eggs.
    **A costume for tomorrow’s play needs to be made.
    **There is red fingernail polish that was attempted to be removed with fingernail polish remover on the 2 week old winter white couch. (I did that to MY mother!)

  36. Julie says:

    Someones sibling is about to reveal some interesting information as soon as you are available to hear it…..the child may sit there for some time.

  37. Kim N says:

    There is smeared makeup all over the carpet under one of the beds. Instead of getting an applesauce cup for a snack like they were told, someone decided to eat powdered sugar with a spoon and it is now all over the kitchen floor.

  38. Sara Bowyer says:

    Their science fair project is due tomorrow and they need to START; their brother is following close behind….screaming; there is an email waiting for me on the computer from a teacher; they need MONEY; or gas for the car..money!
    However, if it is my youngest son, he usually truly wants to know how my day went!!
    Great blog!

  39. Robyn says:

    Your kids have colored all over your antique kitchen table with a Sharpie.
    Oh, yes, my friend. A SHARPIE.
    But a Mister Clean Magic Eraser takes it all off and no kids are harmed in the process.
    Thank you, Mister Clean.

  40. Hannah says:

    Or all the mattresses are off of all the beds, babies diapers have been removed at the exact time they were needed and someone else is removing the sheets to all the beds.

  41. JerriAnn says:

    Let’s see. Ummm, someone has cut someone elses hair badly. Enough to make the mom of the house sob.
    Someone “ascedently” spilled their entire dinner plate behind the TV.
    Someone “ascedintally” pushed, pinched, tripped, insert any to their sister.
    Someone “ascedentally” wrote on the walls,floors, or their sister.
    Someone “ascedentally” put toothpaste in their sisters shoes and honey in mommys
    yeah those are a few of the ones from my house in the last month

  42. april says:

    …someone let the baby draw on the wall with permanent marker
    …or lipstick(your favorite shade of course!)
    …someone was playing beauty shop and “accidently” cut a chunk of her brother’s hair
    …someone gave the rack of ribs to the dog
    …someone got into your Mountain Dew stash
    …someone ran over the brand new hose with the lawn mower(brand new because this also happened the last time the lawn was mowed)

  43. Gego, says:

    A moment to be treasured and tucked away in your heart. The motive makes no difference. He came to his Momma. When he is twenty, plops in your lap, you are gasping for breath, the earlier memory will restore your breath and once again you will be graced with the way a boy says “I Love You, Mom.”

  44. Jan says:

    Somebody got onto the back of a dirt bike AFTER BEING TOLD NOT TO, and now has a chunk of flesh the size of a silver dollar and about an inch thick missing from his right thigh. Hypothetically. of course. because we KNOW that none of MY children would EVER do such a thing.

  45. Stephanie says:

    I have two teenagers in the house. If the oldest is trying to be sweet, it usually means he has run yet another vehicle into a ditch. If it’s my daughter, then her boyfriend NEEDS to drop by just for a second at 10 pm on a school night because they didn’t get to see each other ALL DAY! Gasp. If it’s one of the 10 yr olds…they have wrapped a dead snake around the limb of my dogwood tree. Or put the puppy in a book bag.

  46. Elaine says:

    So which one was it?
    How ’bout
    H) Someone has (hypothetically) gotten into the bag of flour from the pantry, deciding that he can make cookies on his own…

  47. dadshouse says:

    All very funny. But here’s a serious one: when kids are genuinely happy and grateful you care for them. (This can be especially true in a single parent’s house like mine)
    Either that, or there’s a Zoey 101 marathon about to start on the TV…

  48. Busydadmumbles says:

    There is a friend we would like to invite over to the house now.
    Since my friend is in the house I would like to see if we can break the rule about not inviting friends to anything, especially with them standing there, without first speaking to a parental unit.
    this is just to throw you off since you think I’m up to something, but I’m really not, but I have you confused for next time.
    can I have ice cream before bedtime?

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