I know there are several first-time parents of babies reading this blog, so let me tell you an immutable truth of parenting that you will almost certainly be needing within the next decade:
If (and I’m speaking purely hypthetically here, of course) one of your children (hypothetically) plops down next to you and (hypothetically) says something such as, "Hi, Mom. I just haven’t gotten to sit and talk to you in a long time, and I’m just wondering, how are you doing? Did you have a good day?" then you may be sure that at least one of the following is true:
A) There is broken glass somewhere.
B) There is paint somewhere.
C) There is a report card somewhere.
D) There is a new Wii game coming out.
E) Someone’s fist has "accidentally" drawn blood out of someone’s nose.
F) Someone has hacked into the CIA homepage.
G) Someone has "accidentally" set your house on fire.
Do you have any you’d like to add?
In my house it’s usually there’s a room that needs cleaning or dishes to be put away. Or blood has been “accidentally” drawn. And yes, that does happen with girls!
Someone wants something or someone’s sister is after him is usually what leads to that scenario in our house…
There is an entire half-gallon of milk covering the kitchen floor.
There is gum in the microwave.
There are twelve thousand microscopic beads scattered about and embedded in the carpet of someone’s bedroom.
I think that about covers it! LOL! It is SOOO true! =0)
What about the kid who suddenly cleans the kitchen without being asked. It is usually followed by a teen who wants her hair colored, or new shoes, or clothes, or….
or it’s bedtime…
Someone wants you to drop everything and take her to Target to get yet another pack of Bella Sara cards, or Webkinz cards, or Neopetz, or whatever the girls are into that particular day. And someone wants to spend YOUR money, not theirs.
Or you need to sign a note from a principal or teacher regarding a grade, potential grade, or behavior!
Someone needs to talk about something serious (like the birds and the bees), but doesn’t know how to go about starting the conversation.
so…hypothetically speaking, which of those recently happened in your home?
“Something” is growing… underneath the bed…or in the backpack.
Oh, and that shirt, or shorts, or last 8 pairs of socks are trapped in the place where the foot board meets the bed mattress.
This is so funny, and sadly so true.
I’m always suspicious when anyone under 18 takes an interest in my life.
There is an entire dozen eggs splattered across the wood floor in the hallway, and on top of that there is baby powder on top of the eggs!!!
There is an entire dozen eggs splattered across the wood floor in the hallway, and on top of that there is baby powder on top of the eggs!!!
There’s a field trip that won’t happen unless they can find just one more parent volunteer to go with the class as a chaperon.
Which one happened??????
the CIA homepage? Surely not. My little dude’s just 1, so I’m waiting for this.
They have just “accidentally” driven through my flower garden with the John Deere Gator.
So, which is it? Inquiring minds want to know :)…you know, so we can be prepared one day…
Your lipstick is smashed into the beige carpet or blue marker just happened to end up on the yellow couch.
Or, here is the big one at my house. The 7 year old will sometimes “forget” to wipe and then leave his “mark” somewhere. This has happened after a shower before. He then went into his bedroom and sat on his carpet to put his underwear on. LOL. He will then run up to me and give me the biggest hug and say Um, mom….. by that time I can already smell something is “stinky” with the situation.
“someone” was pretend driving in the driveway and took off the parking break and the car rolled backward across the alley into the bushes …
Or they just tore a hole in their brand new blue jeans!
ALL of the keys have been popped off your laptop keyboard… forcing you to google a close-up picture of a keyboard (using someone else’s machine, of course) because you don’t have a freakin’ clue how to put the thing back together. (Hypothetically.)
Someone flushed a toy down the toilet. And now it’s clogged.
Here’s one that you’re a few years away from yet: Your 16 year old daughter wants her boyfriend who lives across the country to come visit this summer. Fun times.
It’s 7pm and someone has a school project due tomorrow and their just now telling you about it.
Somewhere in the house is a science experiment gone awry – and the carpet is soaking wet – or there is liquid Dawn all over the kitchen floor – or the toilet is overflowing.
Or your almost 7 year old son is trying to butter you up before asking for that BB gun that both he AND DAD want!!!
That the police are on the doorstep, cause someone got mad at their sister and called 911 while mom was in the shower.
…the car…something happened to the car while your newly licensed BOY was driving to get milk from the grocery store that is 4 miles round trip…
There’s a cop at the front door.
There’s a court date in the near future.
Just hypothetically of course. Mine isn’t old enough for that yet 🙂
The ant farm fell to the ground and broke and there are freedom-loving gargantuan ants crawling down the hall towards the kitchen.
The curtain rod has been bent and/or pulled completely from the wall.
My favorite tea mug is in pieces on the back patio.
Someone has “accidentally” peed in their closet.
Someone has “accidentally” redecorated the couch and wall with a sharpie.
They’re a teenager and need gas money.
This ranks up there with the blank look when you walk into a room and the child says “What”? in a drawn out innocent eyed way HAHA..(My only consolation is that those 2 boys are now the fathers of 5 girls between them, so it’s “get even” time)
Someone just remembered that they volunteered you to make 2 dozen cupcakes for tomorrow at school. This of course is at bedtime.
Usually that is followed by:
Can I have $10?
Can I borrow the truck to go see “Girl”?
oh, there’s always money involved — pick one, doesn’t matter which one, and I’ll price it at $20 or above, every time.
Someone just remembered that they volunteered you to make 2 dozen cupcakes for tomorrow at school. This of course is at bedtime.
or you’ve been on the computer so long, your child misses you 🙂
The oldest has somehow lost the youngest.
Someone has had a visit to the principal’s office.
Someone caught the backyard on fire with a leftover firecracker from the 4th of July. 🙂
Your 17 year old daughter’s best friend is pregnant
Outside of the possibility of a diving hand of revelation and compassion upon a minor from God Himself… I think you’re only missing a dulsional state caused by an abnormally high fever! In such case, I would say immidiate medical care is call for!
Love to you, Shannon. 🙂
Someone is having a party at school tomorrow and they promised you would send in ___________ (food type and amount will be larger and more extravagant based on how close to closing time it is for the nearest grocery store, meaning you will have to make a mad dash across town to the 24-hour store — and be up until at least 2 making said food).
a need suddenly arose for you to go toilet fishing
Oh. No. My 10-almost-11 year old male askes me every day after school, “So, Mom, how was your day?”
Sniff.
TJ gives himself away everytime by just saying, “Hi Mom!” and smiling big. Then I know he’s colored the puppy or made a new experiement in the tub with his soap and my red hair dye.
Your silk dress that is the very last piece of fancy you own was used to wipe up a mess of red Kool-Aid. Ooops.
Why was is left hanging in the bathroom anyway? You weren’t about to wear it out on a once in a lifetime date night, were ya?
Oh, and also? We’re out of Kool-Aid.
I’m living in the blissful world of preschool-dom, so my 4-year-old would actually mean this seriously!
I’m still living in the blissful world of preschool-dom, so my 4-year-old would mean this seriously!
So what was it with yours??
Someone (my brother) was driving home, turned a corner, reached to catch the piece of pizza sliding to the floor, took out a telephone pole and rather than waiting for help, took off on foot, ran home and now wants to chat… by the way – this is also why you currently have no power in the house.
The two small men living in your house have discovered where you hid the Easter candy/NintendoDS/best scissors/cat/camera, and the one sitting on the couch with you is both distracting you and getting a read on your mood to know if the other one is now in trouble big time, or small time.
He will then either tell on his brother, or share in the fun.
All of the above!
Someone has used scissors to trim the baby’s one golden blond ringlet.
-someone wants you to buy them something expensive.
– someone already asked their dad for something and he said no.
– someone is trying to be Eddie Haskell when they grow up.
H) There’s a bleach spot in the middle of someone’s bedroom floor because it was assumed that bleach would get out the fingernail polish better than fingernail polish remover (which probably wouldn’t have ruined the carpet, by the way). sigh
Someone just got asked out on a “date” when she is only in the seventh grade and the Lothario is in eighth grade.
Someone has a big chunk of hair missing.
There is a hole in a wall somewhere.
One of the small, caged animals has escaped (or been set free) and the cat is trying to catch it.
There is a funny smell…
There’s about a pound of green apple scented drugstore brand after-bath powder swept under the red rug in the play room. Well, under the rug and floating in the air above it. Hack hack.
Also, Mrs White’s first grade class gerbils that were spending Thanksgiving break at our house? Missing. Yes ma’am, all three of them.
Someone has discovered there is a new Lego Star Wars item out that he doesn’t yet have.
Someone wrote on the carpet/walls with a SHARPIE …
Someone let their 2 year old sister do the potty “By herself” while you were feeding the baby . . .
Someone went and locked all of the upstairs doors and hid the keys. Now you have to disassemble each lockset to get into the bedrooms . . .
Said child’s sibling has just done something heinous (see your list), so said child is doing some serious sucking up to look absolutely radiant in comparison.
One of the pets has some how been “set free” and you need to go find it….
Your 5-year old daughter wants to go back to Carowinds in Charlotte,NC!! Fun-fun-fun!
Or perhaps nail polish remover has been spilled all over everything. Or my bed, in this case.
Or your cell phone just got flushed. Accidentally.
I get suspicious too!
Or your 17 year old son has just backed his Jeep into your brand new mini-van. Crumpling the hood.
Someone doesn’t want to go to bed.
Someone ate the whole bag of candy after being told she couldn’t have any.
Someone, who has been the proud owner of his drivers licence for approximately 8 days, has just backed the family van into the neighbors BRAND NEW, dealer tags still attached, Mazda 5. And left a rather large dent in one.
Wanna guess which one? Hypothetically speaking of course.
With my college girls, oh yes it continues, its lets get mom to go shopping with us, we saw something cute. And can I say thank you—now I have a gag to pull on my friend after getting an idea posted here. Pulling all the keys off the laptop. That is too funny.
**You have to bake 18 cupcakes for a party tomorrow in school and have no eggs.
**A costume for tomorrow’s play needs to be made.
**There is red fingernail polish that was attempted to be removed with fingernail polish remover on the 2 week old winter white couch. (I did that to MY mother!)
Someones sibling is about to reveal some interesting information as soon as you are available to hear it…..the child may sit there for some time.
There is smeared makeup all over the carpet under one of the beds. Instead of getting an applesauce cup for a snack like they were told, someone decided to eat powdered sugar with a spoon and it is now all over the kitchen floor.
Daddy must have said no about something and now they are coming to mommy.
or someone else is about to come tattle on the child that is buttering you up……
My kids are too young, but when they are quiet, I know problems are on there way!!!!
Yes, tell us what happened – we could go on with the possibilities, which I’m laughing out loud at right now!
Their science fair project is due tomorrow and they need to START; their brother is following close behind….screaming; there is an email waiting for me on the computer from a teacher; they need MONEY; or gas for the car..money!
However, if it is my youngest son, he usually truly wants to know how my day went!!
Great blog!
Your kids have colored all over your antique kitchen table with a Sharpie.
Oh, yes, my friend. A SHARPIE.
But a Mister Clean Magic Eraser takes it all off and no kids are harmed in the process.
Thank you, Mister Clean.
Thanks for the heads-up. 🙂
There are rocks in the dryer (again!)
Or all the mattresses are off of all the beds, babies diapers have been removed at the exact time they were needed and someone else is removing the sheets to all the beds.
Someone has shot a pen out of a potato gun and it’s stuck in the door.
Let’s see. Ummm, someone has cut someone elses hair badly. Enough to make the mom of the house sob.
Someone “ascedently” spilled their entire dinner plate behind the TV.
Someone “ascedintally” pushed, pinched, tripped, insert any to their sister.
Someone “ascedentally” wrote on the walls,floors, or their sister.
Someone “ascedentally” put toothpaste in their sisters shoes and honey in mommys
yeah those are a few of the ones from my house in the last month
…someone let the baby draw on the wall with permanent marker
…or lipstick(your favorite shade of course!)
…someone was playing beauty shop and “accidently” cut a chunk of her brother’s hair
…someone gave the rack of ribs to the dog
…someone got into your Mountain Dew stash
…someone ran over the brand new hose with the lawn mower(brand new because this also happened the last time the lawn was mowed)
which was it? 🙂
Jolanthe
A moment to be treasured and tucked away in your heart. The motive makes no difference. He came to his Momma. When he is twenty, plops in your lap, you are gasping for breath, the earlier memory will restore your breath and once again you will be graced with the way a boy says “I Love You, Mom.”
Someone has “accidentally” squatted beside the ficus plant and peed.
LOL. Yeah, that sounds about right. =)
Someone is setting a great example for her child and he is doing what you do. Sweet.
So, which one was it (hypothetically, of course)
Somebody got onto the back of a dirt bike AFTER BEING TOLD NOT TO, and now has a chunk of flesh the size of a silver dollar and about an inch thick missing from his right thigh. Hypothetically. of course. because we KNOW that none of MY children would EVER do such a thing.
I have two teenagers in the house. If the oldest is trying to be sweet, it usually means he has run yet another vehicle into a ditch. If it’s my daughter, then her boyfriend NEEDS to drop by just for a second at 10 pm on a school night because they didn’t get to see each other ALL DAY! Gasp. If it’s one of the 10 yr olds…they have wrapped a dead snake around the limb of my dogwood tree. Or put the puppy in a book bag.
So which was it for you, Shannon?
So which one was it?
How ’bout
H) Someone has (hypothetically) gotten into the bag of flour from the pantry, deciding that he can make cookies on his own…
Someone has given herself a haircut, then given the cat one, too.
All very funny. But here’s a serious one: when kids are genuinely happy and grateful you care for them. (This can be especially true in a single parent’s house like mine)
Either that, or there’s a Zoey 101 marathon about to start on the TV…
There is a friend we would like to invite over to the house now.
Since my friend is in the house I would like to see if we can break the rule about not inviting friends to anything, especially with them standing there, without first speaking to a parental unit.
this is just to throw you off since you think I’m up to something, but I’m really not, but I have you confused for next time.
can I have ice cream before bedtime?
Someone wants money! Can’t help it, I’m a mom to two teens.
The school will be calling, and it’s NOT to congratulate you on a “job well done”
Someone needs food (from another country) for school. Tomorrow.
http://pragmaticcompendium.wordpress.com/2008/04/22/banana-sweet/