In an effort to see if I have even a drop of blogging mojo left, here's a quick stab at my favorite blogging pasttime: collecting the various Google searches that people use to find my site. Lately I've had some good ones…
hamsters loose in the garage how do I catch them? Step 1) Make sure the garage door is closed. Step 2) Come back inside. Step 3) Announce to your household that this is why you gave birth to sons. Step 4) Hand them a bucket.
if you'd eat more comfort food you wouldn't have to go around shooting people It's a quote from Lost, just for the record, but there's some stellar wisdom there.
two year old not talking at all not even babbling Yes, I've been there, twice, actually. My best advice would be to schedule a consultation with a speech pathologist. The minute she steps foot in the room, your taciturn child will open his mouth, quote Shakespeare, and diagram sentences. You will sit there in shock, your mouth gaping open, uttering not a word, and the pathologist will wonder if you are the one in need of therapy. Ask me how I know.
are my expectations realistic? I'm not sure Google can help you with this. You might try Dr. Phil.
gag clean out refrigerator Me too, sister. Me too.
cheesecake chimichangas Me too, sister. Me too.
i've tried everything to catch a mouse Hey, me too. What finally worked for me was beef jerky actually TIED ONTO a 99-cent mousetrap. Not at all helpful were glue traps, poison traps, screaming, broom-whacking, a college degree and a houseful of strapping sons. Good luck.
poop in dryer Yes, it happened once, but how did you know? I don't want to talk about it.
dog giveaway Oh, I feel your pain. Having to give away a dog is terribly painful. Not as painful as carpet that perpetually smells of pee, but still painful.
curse upon thee Rough day?
my baby ate my deoderant True story: When my oldest was about 20 months old, I was getting ready in my bathroom while he watched a show on TV. I peeked around the corner to check on him. To my horror, I saw that I had accidentally left out a squirt bottle of kitchen cleaner, and Adam was raising it to his mouth. I shrieked and jerked it away, but I decided to call Poison Control anyway, just in case even a drop of the cleaner had touched his lips. They assured me it was fine, and I hung up the phone. I sat down on my bed to recover from my weak knees and racing heart, dropping my head into my hands. And I looked up to see Adam walking out of my bathroom, carrying my deoderant–he had TAKEN A BITE OUT OF IT. And in that moment, I learned the hard way that the only thing worse than having to call Poison Control before 9 a.m. is having to call Poison Control TWICE before 9 a.m.
compassion international please t-shirt (Mom, is that you? Because you are the only person I know who would actually say "please" to Google.)
you are crazy if you think I would wait Sorry. I got nothin'.
sharpie kitchen cabinets Try a dab of nail polish remover for the cabinets. And maybe an equally strong liquid for the momma.
rocks dryer blog dumplin recipe I'm not sure what pleases me more: the idea that someone specifically searched for a recipe of mine, or that they had the uncommon good sense to remember to leave the "g" off "dumplin".
is there really such a thing as potty training? Oh, sister. I feel your pain.
cat caught in dryer Really, it's like I'm the Lifetime Television version of Google searches, what with all the drama.
should older women wear bows in their hair? Please know I say this with all the kindess and goodwill in my heart:
tocks in y dryer And yet you still found me.