Google Fun

In an effort to see if I have even a drop of blogging mojo left, here's a quick stab at my favorite blogging pasttime:  collecting the various Google searches that people use to find my site.  Lately I've had some good ones…

hamsters loose in the garage how do I catch them?  Step 1) Make sure the garage door is closed.  Step 2) Come back inside.  Step 3) Announce to your household that this is why you gave birth to sons.  Step 4) Hand them a bucket. 

if you'd eat more comfort food you wouldn't have to go around shooting people  It's a quote from Lost, just for the record, but there's some stellar wisdom there.

two year old not talking at all not even babbling  Yes, I've been there, twice, actually.  My best advice would be to schedule a consultation with a speech pathologist.  The minute she steps foot in the room, your taciturn child will open his mouth, quote Shakespeare, and diagram sentences.  You will sit there in shock, your mouth gaping open, uttering not a word, and the pathologist will wonder if you are the one in need of therapy.  Ask me how I know.

are my expectations realistic?  I'm not sure Google can help you with this.  You might try Dr. Phil.

gag clean out refrigerator  Me too, sister.  Me too.

cheesecake chimichangas  Me too, sister.  Me too.

i've tried everything to catch a mouse  Hey, me too.  What finally worked for me was beef jerky actually TIED ONTO a 99-cent mousetrap.  Not at all helpful were glue traps, poison traps, screaming, broom-whacking, a college degree and a houseful of strapping sons.  Good luck.

poop in dryer  Yes, it happened once, but how did you know?  I don't want to talk about it.

dog giveaway  Oh, I feel your pain.  Having to give away a dog is terribly painful.  Not as painful as carpet that perpetually smells of pee, but still painful.

curse upon thee  Rough day?

my baby ate my deoderant  True story:  When my oldest was about 20 months old, I was getting ready in my bathroom while he watched a show on TV.  I peeked around the corner to check on him.  To my horror, I saw that I had accidentally left out a squirt bottle of kitchen cleaner, and Adam was raising it to his mouth.  I shrieked and jerked it away, but I decided to call Poison Control anyway, just in case even a drop of the cleaner had touched his lips.  They assured me it was fine, and I hung up the phone.  I sat down on my bed to recover from my weak knees and racing heart, dropping my head into my hands.  And I looked up to see Adam walking out of my bathroom, carrying my deoderant–he had TAKEN A BITE OUT OF IT.  And in that moment, I learned the hard way that the only thing worse than having to call Poison Control before 9 a.m. is having to call Poison Control TWICE before 9 a.m.

compassion international please t-shirt  (Mom, is that you?  Because you are the only person I know who would actually say "please" to Google.) 

you are crazy if you think I would wait  Sorry.  I got nothin'.

sharpie kitchen cabinets  Try a dab of nail polish remover for the cabinets.  And maybe an equally strong liquid for the momma.  

rocks dryer blog dumplin recipe  I'm not sure what pleases me more:  the idea that someone specifically searched for a recipe of mine, or that they had the uncommon good sense to remember to leave the "g" off "dumplin".

is there really such a thing as potty training?  Oh, sister.  I feel your pain.

cat caught in dryer  Really, it's like I'm the Lifetime Television version of Google searches, what with all the drama.

should older women wear bows in their hair?  Please know I say this with all the kindess and goodwill in my heart:

No.

tocks in y dryer  And yet you still found me.

92 thoughts on “Google Fun

  1. Kookaburra says:

    Too funny. I love finding how people google searched and reached my blog. Maybe I should do one of these posts some time… but your recap is much funnier than mine would be.

  2. Amy says:

    I’ve got tears in my eyes from laughing. I loved the deoderant one. Too funny! Some of my google searches are somewhat disturbing for my g-rated blog.

  3. Leanne says:

    Yep, I’ve had a few oddballs and weirdos land over at my place too.
    So you’re saying Poison Control should always be on speed dial then:)

  4. lanie says:

    Ha! Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!He!He!He!He!He!He!He!He!He!He!He! Ho!Ho!Ho!Ho!Ho!Ho!Ho! ROFL! That was fun to read! You definitely still have mojo!

  5. Andi says:

    Absolutely hilarious – the only thing in my google searches these days are nude french pole vaulters – you got some great variety!

  6. Melene says:

    Love it!
    Especially your answer about women wearing bows in their hair.
    Instead of googling I directly emailed you a couple of weeks ago about the mouse situation. Since then, I haven’t seen or smelled or heard one at all. I pray that continues. The house is still for sale but I’d rather have that than a family of mice at this point!
    Love your blog and your writing. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Angela says:

    I read until I got to the baby eating deodorant. BEEN THERE!!! My son ate mine when he was 22months old (6 weeks ago.) He also ate diaper cream, which begs the questions…where is his mother??

  8. Kerry says:

    That was me! That was me! I was searching for your “dumplin” recipe to make yet another time for my kids. I teach grammar, so imagine the angst I had leaving off that final ‘g’, but I knew it would get the results I needed.

  9. Lazy Mom Leslie says:

    I love the google feature! Someone found us by searching naked moms.
    Ummmm, no! NOT EVER!
    I had written a post called “you can’t just walk around naked”
    Well, I was talking about laundry people!

  10. Steff says:

    on the mice issue….newfound options around here….peppermint oil. not extract, oil apparently thy are allergic to it….they were committing suicide around hee with no new signs for a MONTH….that is monumental
    steff

  11. Heather says:

    ROFLOL! Absolutely amazing how people get to your blog with these searches. Love them all, but Poop in the Dryer? =) I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but I hope you share sometime!
    Thanks for the laugh!

  12. Amy @ Cheeky Cocoa Beans says:

    I’m a little jealous. 😉 All I get are searches for “Bears bears got no cares,” “decorating with cocoa beans,” and “landscaping with cocoa beans.” I’m still trying to figure out those last two…I mean, WHY?

  13. Nicole @ Here's The Diehl says:

    These are hilarious (especially your response to them!). I’ve posted about this before on my blog, too, and at least twice someone has searched for “bird poop frosting” – and found my blog!!! What the heck? I do know that it’s from a post about my brother’s wedding, and the matron of honor had a bird poop on her arm, but still…who searches for that?
    Sadly, another popular one is “baby marker face.”
    I especially cracked up at you joking that your mom would say “please” to google 🙂

  14. Cheri says:

    I post blogs like this, too. I call it “You Found Me When No One Else Was Lookin'” or YFMWNOEWL – an acronym that will be sweeping the world right along with LOL and BTW. I think I’ll do one tonight. I’ve had people with serious control issues finding me as of late 🙂

  15. Bailey's Leaf says:

    First, I didn’t talk until I was three. My sister spoke for me, so why did I need to? When my sister went off on the big yellow bus, my mom said that she told me that she loved me. She said that very plainly, I looked at her and said, “I love you, Mom.” She also said that I haven’t shut up since.
    And yes, I’ve done a few posts on weird google searches. The best, er, most disgusting search was just this past month or so. Here it is: “How to dissect cheese in a[n] ingrown toenail.” YUCK!
    Come on over and click on “Blogiliciously Baffling” for more! 🙂

  16. Marian says:

    Have you seen the Compassion food crisis fund T shirts that say “Please” in one of the languages of countries they serve? We have a couple of the ones in Amharic. Your google searcher is likely polite AND charitable.

  17. RLR says:

    Totally lost it at “my baby at my deodorant”
    Still laughing, and now crying, too.
    It’s been a long week already; I needed this!

  18. Megan@SortaCrunchy says:

    Oh Shannon. This is hysterical. I never get funny google searches anymore – just ones about stupid vaccine schedules. (pouting)
    Anyway, I loved so hard through all of these. Thanks so much for typing this up. I needed some good ol’ belly laughing today!

  19. Jenn says:

    How do you do that…look at who searched for what and ended up on your blog? Not that you have time for answering my questions! That was a great post, btw!

  20. Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience says:

    Isn’t it the grandest thing to have sides that hurt this bad this early in the morning?
    You’ve got the mojo, woman, the kind that’s soul-good medicine.
    My smiling, happy thanks, friend…
    All’s grace,
    Ann
    (Oh, if you might tell you’re sweet mama (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?), that if she writes the equally kind folks at Compassion, they’ll send her an advocate t-shirt too. ~wink, smile~)

  21. Richael says:

    Proof positive that you are my favorite blogger and I’m hoping desperately that you stick with it…love you, Shannon!

  22. ashley says:

    Thanks for the laughs; I needed them today! I am so happy to hear that I’m not the only mother whose child starts speaking like a champ once inside the speech pathologist’s office. What lisp? Stuttering? Nope, well at least not until we get home.

  23. Jenny says:

    I am an Early Childhood Special Education Teacher. Screening two year old children who are not talking and having them magically start talking is not uncommon. I find it highly amusing.

  24. Sarah Hawley says:

    Oh, boy. The combo of scary, ticked-off and just plain funny had my eyes watering. That was the shot in the arm I needed mid-morning. Thanks!

  25. Sarah Hawley says:

    Oh, and I forgot – i actually did have a cat in the dryer. i was 13, my dad and brother were out of town, my mom tossed laundry into the dryer and turned it on. we heard a thunking noise, but thought it was just the dryer going on the fritz. Mom had her whiskey and Seven Up (should have told you something there) and suddenly realized we hadn’t seen the kitten in a while. It sounds terrible, but in hindsight, the curled whiskers (yes, they were) are kind of funny, especially since she went on to live a full life after that. Ug. The things that happen when whiskey and Seven Up are combined!

  26. Tara says:

    Okay, so my google searches are pretty dull. Most of them relate to potty training boys, pull ups, chore charts and the like. But there was one that made me laugh my head off today. “What should you use to clean yourself up after you poop in your pants at school?”
    The resulting post they hit was my “Potty Training Boot(y) Camp”.
    Further investigation reveals that there are over thirteen thousand google search possibilities for this phrase. Who knew???

  27. Melissa says:

    Either I’m am super tired or that was crazy funny cause I can’t stop laughing after reading these. My son keeps asking what’s so funny? 🙂 Thanks for the laugh!

  28. Mary Kay says:

    Oh my word! You are funny, funny, funny! Not only can your writing make me laugh, but it makes me cry sometimes, too.
    Thanks.

  29. Linda says:

    These are too funny! We sometimes accidently lock a cat in our laundry room, which is one of those enclosed back porches…almost like an initiation process. All our cats do it at least once. And what do you do when you spend all day in the laundry room? Well, you gotta go somewhere. Our newest addition pooped in the dryer! I was EXCEEDINGLY thankful it was empty at the time.

  30. se7en says:

    Brilliant post, each line was better than the last! Some one recently asked what was the funniest comment I ever had… well you’re right those google searches can be really hysterical, not to mention quite alarming!!!

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